You were a better man

A close family member told me that I used to be a better man. My fall from spirituality is attributed to the fact that (among other things) I'm not going to the temple, not home teaching, and not paying tithes. If these are metrics that this family member subconsciously uses to gauge spirituality, then how is it any different than the pharisees that attempted to measure their righteousness? How is this not a case of this person justifying their standing with God by doing things, as opposed to being? Measuring being is so much harder and it is wise to avoid opportunities to judge a person's state of spiritual being.

Not to mention that it was so unkind to make this statement. It isn't inspirational. It is completely guilt motivated. I'm sure that in their eyes, I WAS a better person. But this swings both ways. In my eyes, this person was well-read and intelligent. Now I find that their process of acquiring knowledge has been incredibly one-sided and superficial. How can I trust their mode of reason if they can be so foolishly beguiled into believing one side of a story without thoughtful and prayerful consideration of the entire picture. I would never tell this to anyone for fear of hurting feelings and straining relationships. Please keep your opinions of how I used to be a better man to yourself. I will answer that question for myself in my own introspective search for purpose, happiness, and fulfillment.

JB

Where does one story end, and the next begin?

As I ponder whether to continue writing in this blog, I think it a opportune time to reflect on why I started it in the first place. Leaving the Mormon church is the hardest thing I've ever done. Choosing to belong to the church, and to be as active as I could be, is the most consuming activity of my life to date. It is akin to choosing a profession, or a spouse. It is a lifestyle church that absorbs its willing members wholly into the communal ties and bonds of participation. Participation interlocks you with people and experiences that become the very fabric of who you are. Most religions won't understand the Mormon level of participation. For many, 'normal church' is a place to be fed spiritually. 'Mormon church' is a place to be fed through feeding. Normal church is a place to socially connect with people, and make some friends that have notionally similar beliefs. Mormon church is about changing who you are to fit into common beliefs with everyone in your ward, and they become more like family. There may be minor differences in how you think, but for most of the doctrine, you are one with the group.

This blog has afforded me an opportunity to vent, to discuss, to write, and to publish my feelings about my experience with leaving the Mormon church. At some point, I suppose, I won't self-identify as Mormon. That time hasn't come yet. I'm still very much a product of the Mormon church, and feel like I will always be that product. How I live my life. How I interact with my wife and kids. How I treat others. These are all still affected in positive ways by my experience in the church. However, my need to find catharsis with my experience in the church is becoming satisfied. I am seeing the experience in the past tense. When I first contemplated leaving the church, there was some hope for what the future held, and a lot of fear. Now there is almost all hope, and almost no fear.

Has this blog has met the fullness of its creation? It exists as a testament of my research and experiences documenting the profound changes in my perspectives on life and the church. It will be a reference for any who desire to know what I've learned, how I've grown, and where I'm at. This blog has been in the context of a former Mormon. Going forward, it is the start of a new chapter. Does that new chapter fit into this blog, or into a new blog?

JB

Community vs Doctrine

I don't reject the community. I reject the doctrine. The community rejects me because I reject the doctrine.

The doctrine of deserving it

Members of the church will frequently say, "why not continue to belong? The church is full of goodness and can bring your children closer to god." The most damaging element of the church is that it allows and promotes personal fault as the primary reason for distance from the divine. When we don't get answers it is because we didn't pray hard enough or fast long enough. When something bad happens we look first to our own person to find fault and guilt. There is nothing wrong that is not your fault, always. How do I keep this out of my children's lives? Give them a healthy understanding that statistically speaking they are ahead of nearly the whole world. Help them understand that bad things happen to everyone sometimes. Be grateful that we have as many blessings as we do. Count them and name them. Thank god for them. When trials come see them as learning and growing opportunities as much as possible but accept that challenges are part of life. God is not as callous as portrayed in Job. God is not as petty as portrayed in Jonah. God is not as random as portrayed in the story of the man killed for steadying the ark.

"You can always do better and try harder and god blesses those who do enough." Eldon kartchner (left the church when his wife died) relating his own personal battles with the doctrine of deserving blessings (D&C 82:10).

JB

Christmas card 2012. Welcome 2013! Year 1 of Wonderment!

It is a great relief for me to really ask questions. I wrote the following Christmas card to a friend that also left the church this year:
"The Butlers are enjoying life outside the 'one true and living gospel of Jesus Christ' and have chosen to celebrate the season without the traditional guilty associations of 'the reason'. We love humanity and draw comfort from education and technological innovation that makes mankind more successful at coexisting. David and Thomas are excited to be out of young men's and like not being constantly harassed about normal sexual interest, which they previously had found awkward for boys their ages. And Jenny is learning that her place is not necessarily in the home but may be at the head of a corporation, as a high-powered lawyer, or in a loving, committed lesbian relationship before it will necessarily be on the arm of a man that will see her as a baby making machine. The point is, even if she does choose motherhood, she is going to live her life to the fullest before she decides to accept a traditional gender role. Sammy is full of love and life and now wakes up on Sunday without his usual "aw man! I hate church!" Now he looks forward to the zoo, the aquarium, hiking in the Appalachians and the extra time with a father free of the burden of a day full of correlatory meetings. Christmas is a time we celebrate the blessings and gifts that we have received. The Butlers lost the sense of having the one true plan but they gained a sense of wonder and excitement at discovery of a world unknown. Life is a gift and the Butlers received it this year in a way more profound and remarkable than they ever have before. They wish you and yours happiness and appreciation of life. They wish peace for humanity and goodwill to all."

While the context of a annual Christmas message was a joke, the message is very close to my current feelings. I am going to make decisions based on how I feel with a healthy dose of contextual understanding. I believe that too many of the traditions in the church are influenced by prior generations. Blacks and the Priesthood was a holdover from a racist generation. Women and the Priesthood is a holdover from a misogynistic generation. Homosexuals and marriage is a holdover from a homophobic generation. For far too long, my thinking has been crafted by Victorian ideals of right and wrong. I love being able to ask "why is it wrong?" I don't think this is the same as moral relativism. I love having a close friend in Emily to share the experience of discovery with. I love that our kids will get to discover life without fear and guilt. They are, in a sense, pioneers. They will get to learn to navigate life without the burden of constant fear that they will cross God. Many would say, "Oh! They lost their precious anchor!" To them, I reply, "Thank God for anchors of morality and respect for humanity, but Thank God for the ability to weigh anchor, and head out to sea to explore without regret. To see without fear. To question without knowing what you might find."

JB

Reactions to my departure from the church

It is amazing to see the different reactions to our departure from the church. The response I had hoped for, I guess, was that people would still see me as the noble, honest, and honorable person that I have always strived to be. This was a laborous task that required hundreds of hours of study, pondering, prayer, and fasting. No conclusion was arrived at in haste, and no sentence was written without considerable editing and review and rethinking. I expected the reactions to be similar to Brian Christiansen's. Brian has never been by the book, and in fact, when I was in the bishopric meetings, he was sometimes mentioned as not catching the vision of following the rules, and getting all of the reports lined up just correctly. I stood up for him in those meetings (and to be fair, no one ever disagreed with this sentiment) that while Brian may not have been the best at filling out home teaching reports, he was one of the most Christlike people I have met. He was, and is, perpetually kind. Brian asked to read my document, and was one of the only people that I know to have read it. After reading it, he said, "Joseph, you are an honorable person, and this wasn't an easy thing for you to write. There are many issues with church history that are left unexplained. Your document has caused me to reflect why I still go to church, and why it is good for my family." I can appreciate that the church still works in Brian's life. I am in awe of his ability to still find room to respect me and not pity me. The most painful part about leaving the church has been the judgements (that this decision was somehow motivated by sin) and the pity (that this decision will somehow bring me great unhappiness). Even more painful has been that those that were closest to me in my family and friends have been the most condescending throughout this process. I understand that they love me. But to lose respect for my integrity and sound reasoning? Ironically, respect, fellowship, comfort, compassion, and understanding have been almost the universal response from those outside of the church that have learned of my decision. It is tragic, but it has caused me to reflect on my own responses in the past to people who have left the church. Unfortunately, I did not live up to a Brian Christiansen. In the few occassions that I had to experience someone close leaving the church (Donna Mayes, Sherra Craig, Isaac Lowe, Casey Easterly, Dick Clark, and several times in the mission field), my reaction was more along the lines of, "We are still friends, but I don't want to talk about why you left. You've chosen a different path, and I will always accept you back if you choose to repent, but you've chosen poorly on the basis of misguided information. If you had only listened more closely to the prophet, the troubles you will undoubtedly encounter could have been spared. I wish you the best that a damned life can offer, and as much forgiveness as God can spare you in the eternities." While I don't think that any of the people mentioned above went to the same exhaustive lengths that I did when they left the church, they had their reasons, and my response SHOULD HAVE BEEN more compassionate. It is never easy to give up on the faith of your childhood, and even less easy to leave the Mormon church. I know that pain firsthand. Lest this statement be misconstrued, it is not the pain of losing the Spirit, or the pain of withdrawal from God's grace. I still feel the love of God in my life, and have on multiple occassions still felt spiritual guidance in my life. The pain of which I speak is the rejection of family and society that has accompanied my decision. Any desire for my return by my family, friends, or my old ward family is not with my new information and beliefs. It is to reject what I think I learned as false, and a full acceptance of my former testimony of Joseph Smith. There is no space for doubters in the church. You can question where Kolob is. You can question whether all the inhabitants of this earth have the same Heavenly Mother. But it is unacceptable to question the vision of Joseph Smith. It is unacceptable to question the validity of the Book of Mormon, and Joseph's ability to translate ancient documents. It is unacceptable to mention Masonic practices in connection with the temple. It is unacceptable to mention the original papyrus of the Pearl of Great Price has been translated by Egyptologists using science (i.e.the Rosetta Stone) and universally they agree that Joseph Smith was wrong. You may not doubt the core doctrines of the church and still be respected. You may be loved and pitied, but rarely respected when you have left. I feel a tremendous sense of gratitude toward God for helping me to have this vision. I feel gratitude that Brian C has it, and still is able to make the church work for him. The church will be a better place when more of its members can be accepting and respecting (not just loving) of those of different beliefs.

JB

The Elect

The church places great emphasis on the recruitment and evangelization of new converts, and sets regular time aside in meetings to discuss missionary experiences. They teach that with enough persistence, members can find the elect in their neighborhoods, places of employment, in the classroom, etc. The elect are the ones who readily accept the Gospel without question, while those who question are either blinded or hard-hearted ("Mine elect hear my voice and harden not their hearts."-D&C 29:7; "Many.. who are only kept from the truth because they know not where to find it."-D&C 123:12).

The invitation to search, ponder, and pray in reality is less about the searching, and more about the receipt and consideration of church sanctioned material alone. Church members know the approved sources of LDS information, and are discouraged from a more comprehensive regimen of study materials. That discouragement comes in the way of leaders calling detractors foolish and pathetic, and condemning their research as "anti-Mormon" and "poisonous". Thorough investigators will find this notion unacceptable that searching should not include as many potential sources as possible, including those that may detract, and the church's official response to those detractors. Investigators of the church that have one ounce of inclination to know if it is true without blind acceptance will look at most sources available on the internet before making a life-altering decision to join or for those who have already joined, to continue to belong. New investigators that find sources that they consider relevant, but damaging, to the church’s portrayal of history should find missionaries and members ignorant for failing to consider the information. They should find the church's response to these sources as inadequate and dismissive in a way that suggests culpability (i.e. ad hominem attacks).

How do you know which claims should legitimately be considered as relevant historical information and which should be considered anti-LDS without investigating. It is paradoxical to ask someone to search and then tell them where to search, like having an Easter Egg hunt, and then showing the children where you hid the eggs.

It is my belief that being Elect in the LDS church is less about listening to the Lord's voice, and more about ready acceptance of the church as true based on the 'fruits' of social activities that the church has in abundance. How could it possibly not be true with so many happy people belonging to it?

JB

Whatever you do: DON'T go outside

I was told the following in an email:
"I'm confident that I would not be where I am if I hadn't been raised an active LDS/Christian, and that's not a place I'm willing to risk that my kids go."

What does this statement say about the billions of people of whom this is not true? There are many who find peace, happiness, and harmony in their lives with non-Christian Gods, or even as atheists. Numerically speaking, far more people find peace outside the LDS church, or even outside of Christianity than within. That this mindset is so pervasive in the LDS religion speaks to two things: first, the belief that statistically speaking, chances for happiness are much higher in the church than outside. However, Utah has the highest per capita percentage of depression and is among the highest for suicide. Admittedly, the percentage of LDS is falling in Utah, but it is still the predominant religion, and this statistic is too quickly dismissed by the Mormon church and its members. Secondly, it speaks of the fear that the church ingrains in the minds of its members of the lifestyles, wickedness, and unhappiness that transpire outside of the doors of the church. This fear manifests itself expressly, or it is implied by witness of the profound gratitude that God has found it in His good graces to bestow the value of the Gospel upon the individual. This chosen-people mentality is damaging, and self-serving.

The statement also has a subtle undertone of arrogance, to boot. Because I have questioned the LDS doctrine, I am putting my children's future well-being at risk. You can keep your higher likelihood of depression and suicide. I'm going to teach my kids to deal with their problems through hard work, meditation, exercise, honesty, integrity, and in some cases, acceptance of situations that they can't win.

JB